This is simply a collection of quotes I’ve stumbled upon. Feel free to add your own stuff in the comments.

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.""There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. ""Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?""The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. ""Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. ""If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. ""A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ""Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. ""Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.""The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. ""Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.""If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?""Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.""When there's a will, I want to be in it. ""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. ""If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.""The road to success is always under construction. ""Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.""Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.""Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.""I used to be someone who always has doubts.. I'm not so sure about that anymore now.""The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity.""If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment. ""Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ""Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.""Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.""When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.""Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.""Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.""Every generalization is false, including this one.""When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.""If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.""A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."